I watched the first half of an Olympic football match (soccer to you North Americans) last night. Brazil, the yellow-jerseyed powerhouse, squared off against home team China. Everyone knew it was hopeless, China had as much of a chance as winning as George W. Bush has of joining Mensa.  (update: Brazil won, 3-0)

I’ve never been a fan of soccer, or any team sports for that matter. American football? Hockey? Baseball? Looking down my nose at most sports, from a high-and-mighty intellectual vantage point, they seem ridiculous.

Prospective Player: What do I do?
Veteran Player: You strap these big knives on your feet, then slide around on that ice. Wait, you also have to hack at a little piece of rubber with a long, curved stick.
PP: Anything else?
VP: If you get bored, hit somebody. People only watch for the fights.

Okay, I digress.

I watched my first Olympic soccer match. Not watching the Olympics is not an option I have. Of the 50 channels provided by my cable company, I think 62 of them feature Olympic coverage. (Check my math, it’s correct).

Watching soccer Olympic football, as someone with no knowledge of the game, its rich history, lineage, and culture, I made the following observations:

• Soccer is boring. Now I know why British men watch in a pub: You need alcohol to add excitement and/or kill the pain of sitting through the match.
• Commercials are often better than the event you are watching.
• Why do Europeans riot over soccer matches? Boredom can be the only explanation.
• The Brazilian footballers had the worst haircuts of any professional sports athletes, alive or dead.  Boys: I know you’re athletes, but the youth of the world, billions of young people, are watching. Try to set an example. Arsenio Hall with a high-top fade would be better example than the coifs you presented to the world.

More 2008 Olympics observations to follow….

images : xinhuanet.com, tv.com