I bought some new duds for my new role as a … I don’t think I have a title at my new job. Mrs. Stevo gave me instructions before I went to the market. No XL-sized shirts. As I’ve lost weight she thought I could wear something a little less tent-like.

And nothing ugly.

Ugly is a pretty relative term. I won’t argue the fact that I do buy ugly shirts: In fact, the ugliest shirts I can find. Anyone who has visited China (no, not Beijing or Shanghai, and certainly not Hong Kong) will know that foreigners tend to be stared at. I figure I will give the staring public something to see, and possibly blind them, with an assortment of garish plaids and neon monstrosities. I use Asian Fashion to my advantage.

Aside: the day before I was wed my bride-to-be and we were taken to a restaurant in Hunan Province. The town boasts (occasionally) one foreign English teacher. We walked into the upscale eatery and the room went completely silent. It was like something from a movie. Every eye was focused on me. I think I was wearing an orange and yellow striped shirt. No, no one to the best of my knowledge, went blind.

Nothing ugly, she said.

Mrs. Stevo’s wardrobe has improved greatly since I first met her. Back in the heady dating days of 2005 she was festooned with lace and sequins. Her color combination were both frightening and interesting. Slowly, with a gentle nudge or two (and several pounds of severed sequins lodged inside the washing machine) she started to wear clothes I would call “classy.” I place the love of sequins at the feet of the Chinese education system. After 12 years of school uniforms you might be up for wearing a sequin or two.

Question: Did I buy anything ugly? Did you disobey the Hunanese fireball?

Unfortunately, no. A pink short-sleeve shirt, and golf shirts, purple and black (they say Polo and even have the little logo, but I don’t think they are strictly kosher). The Lee navy-blue trousers (knock-offs) have a size 34 waist. I haven’t worn something so small since my pre-fat days (before 2002). They are a little tight, not in the waist. I could be an extra on Queer as Folk if needed.

As soon as she returned from work Mrs. Stevo inspected my purchases. All passed muster, except the pink shirt – it was too faded and looked old. A passing grade for me.

I will sneak back to the market and buy something incredibly ugly. It’s a must.

I’ve made some great friends on these old intertubes. A lot of people use the internet as means of distraction or entertainment. I use it to connect to a life I’ve nearly forgotten. Lately, instead of looking westward I’ve turned my attention closer to home.

I recently met (virtually) some cool new China bloggers. Like me, they are “teaching the English.” Living in China is not easy for a temporary resident. It’s not especially easy for a seasoned expat. I generally steer clear of the pissing and moaning common to China’s expat blogging community. My blood pressure is high enough without angry rants.

I digress, as I often do. I’ll get off my soapbox.

Expatriate Games (a wicked name for a blog, I might add, being a fan of the book the name is taken from) is a fantastic photo blog. EG, as I kindly call him, shoots fantastic portraits and scenes from life in China. I wish I was so skilled. Check out his flickr stream.

A China newb, Graham Woodring, blogs at An American in the Far East. He hasn’t been in the Middle Kingdom for long, and I look forward to his thoughts as he experiences a different culture and life. I hope his search for milk is successful.

Go west, it was once said. Josh at Far West China, blogs from The Middle Kingdom’s western frontier, Xinjiang Province. Josh mixes news and photographs from western China and recently won the 2008 Best China Blog award.

Most foreign residents in China love shopping: Haggling in the market, searching for the ultimate (and often campy) bargain. There are many global devotees of online auction house ebay. Few know about China’s own ebay-like site: Taobao. Yes, it’s all in Chinese, which makes navigation difficult, but Taobao kicks proverbial butt.

One enterprising soul has created the Tao Bao Field Guide, featuring interesting (and wacky) products for sale on the Chinese auction house. More importantly, The Tao Bao Field Guide offers step-by-step instructions on registering an account, searching for items, and starting your online shopping spree — All in English. I no longer have to bother my coworkers.

The good things about new friends, regardless of real-life or vitual status,  is they soon become  old friends.

I once read that Stephen King could publish his shopping list and people would buy it. While Mr. King and I have the same first name (spelled differently), our publishing credits are a tad different. What the hell, this is my blog, I can publish what I want. Thank you, Stephen King, for the inspiration.

What I bought at the supermarket earlier this week:

• 1 head of broccoli
• 1 green pepper
• 1 yellow pepper
• 1 red pepper
• 1 block of tofu
• 1 six-pack of strawberry yogurt
• 1 bottle of orange juice
• 1 can of protein powder
• 15 eggs (not by the dozen in China)
• 1 bag of assorted pasta
• 1 bottle of brandy

irony (def)

1. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
2. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
3. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See synonyms at wit1.
4. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: “Hyde noted the irony of Ireland’s copying the nation she most hated” (Richard Kain).
5. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity.

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Credits
Photo: Sun-Sentinel, Answers.com

Shopping in Shekou, Shenzhen

The early bird doesn’t get the worm in Shekou, Shenzhen (China). Four women wander through a shopping arcade, the establishments not yet open.

Shekou is the expat area of Shenzhen, featuring international restaurants, souvenir shops, sidewalk artists, and rental rollerblades. Each weekend it’s a thriving area, filled with local residents (foreign and domestic), sightseers, and the curious.

As these women learned, don’t go to Shekou early. Shops open according to the owner’s whim.

Captured: August 19, 2008.

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I haven’t posted a self-portrait in a week or two. My vanity must be on the wane. No, that’s not true. You’re not vain when you know you’re the coolest man in China. A snarky blogger recently called The Stevo “tasty vittles.” I’ll take that as the ultimate compliment.

If you view this image large you may notice my ensemble. A purple plaid shirt and camouflage shorts is Stevo’s China Wear at its finest. My rationale is simple: I’m going to be stared at any way, I might as well be entertaining to look at. If you saw some of the clothes in Mrs. Stevo’s closet my above look would seem tame.

Clothes shopping, actually all shopping in China, is cheap. Instead of buying used clothing (as I did in Canada) I can now afford the ugliest of un-preowned shirts. I’ll take you shopping in China, if you visit, I know some place with reasonably attractive garments, and a great tailor.

Captured: July 23, 2008.

Yesterday was a plethora of frustrations.

I went shopping for some camera items in the electronics district. The glitzy Canon booth was manned by someone who wanted to play “screw the foreigner.” That’s not entirely true, they try to screw everyone.

Bargaining is an age-old tradition in China. I asked how much the lens was. The clerk picked up a calculator and typed 6000 元. I snorted and walked away. He tried to call me back, but I was insulted.

To put his price in perspective, another shopkeeper quoted 4200 元. I have used the line, Wo bu ben. Wo de lao po shi zhong guo ren, in the past during such situations (I’m not stupid. My wife is Chinese). Yesterday, I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t need Kreskinesque abilities to know a trip to Stanley Street in Hong Kong, and a non-insulting camera shop, is in my future.

Back at home I decided to change the theme of this page. I’ve wanted to for a while, something with a wider post area for larger photographs. I found a theme I liked, downloaded it, and began to customize. I found some bizarre code and after checking in the WordPress forums discovered it was actually hidden spyware. The author was counting my hits. Cheeky.

Long story short (too late), I wasted three hours with this nasty theme (six if you count finding a new theme and customizing that.)

Above is my taxi driver from yesterday. Not my best work, but try shooting in a jiggly taxi with a non-IS lens. Getting a light reading off a rearview mirror, and focusing on said mirror, is a challenge.