Playing dumb, I have found, is extremely useful. A somewhat lackluster student of Mandarin, or Putonghua, I understand much more than I am given credit for. That said, I don’t use my language skills because I’m somewhat private and reclusive. I once took an aptitude test; the results, read by an amazed guidance counselor, said I should pursue a career as a shepherd.

I was at the drug store last week, a place haunted by grandmotherly and grandfatherly types. I have used the same drugstore for two years, because I fear counterfeit medication, and I’m too lazy to walk another 10 yards to try another establishment. While I trust this store, I have yet to try their 40 kuai ($ 5 US) Viagra.

After selecting my medication I made my way to the cash register. The staff wear starched white lab coats and look extremely professional. Buying prophylactics in such an environment is unnerving, but as the narrator on Hammy Hamster used to say, that’s another story.

The bespectacled, 30-something manager was working the till. She scanned my purchase with a smile. Having more money than I know what to do with leads to an untidy bundle (nay, wad) of bills in my pocket. As I searched for the correct notes the manager and the old man leaning on the counter started to speak.

Old man: Ta hui shou zhong wen ma?
Manager: Shi, ta hui shou yi dian dian.

Old man: Bu shi.
Manager: Shi, ta de lao po shi zhong guo ren.
Old man: (Gasp)
I tried not to snicker. He turned his attention to me.

Old man: Ni hui shou zhong wen ma?
I shrugged and smiled.
Old man (to the manager, vindicated): Ta bu hui shou zhong wen.
Me: Zhe ge, duo shao qian?
Manager: Ba kuai wu.

I paid.

Old man: (Gasp)
He rummaged in the bag for my now purchased medicine. He pointed to the Chinese characters on the box with a calloused finger.
Old man: Ni hui shou?
Me: Shrug.
Old man (vindicated, again): Ha!
I smiled, took my change and fled.

Translated:
Old man: Does he speak Chinese?
Manager: Yes, a little.
Old man: No.
Manager: Yes, his wife is Chinese.
Old man: Gasp.
I tried not to snicker. He turned his attention to me.
Old man: Do you speak Chinese?
I shrugged and smiled.
Old man (to the manager, vindicated): He doesn’t speak Chinese.
Me: How much for this?
Manager: 8.50 yuan.
I paid.
Old man: Gasp.
Old man (his Chinese was actually wrong. He asked if I could speak this, but should have asked if I could read or understand it.): You can speak this?
Me: shrug.
Old man: Ha!

I might have engaged the old man in basic conversation, but as I said, I’m a hermit. Most of the week I am over-the-top, this doesn’t carry over into my personal life. I have learned this phrase, which I will use during my next encounter.

Wo hui shou bing dao wen.

Translated: I speak Icelandic.