Headed to work: A restaurant hostess in a Qipao.

You don’t see average Chinese folk in traditional dress. I guess you don’t in other countries either. Germans don’t attend business meetings in lederhosen, unless that business meeting is held by a lederhosen manufacturer.

The Qipao, the high-necked, long-slitted traditional woman’s dress of China, is possibly one of hottest most attractive garments in the world, but it’s a tad impractical.  Yes, women wear them, to parties, on dates, etc., but your don’t (unfortunately) see Chinese women lounging around the house in a qipao. There aren’t gaggles of ladies in form-fitting Mandarin gowns strolling the boulevards.

In modern China the qipao has been relegated to uniform wear. It’s worn by three types of hostesses: The ones at restaurants, KTVs, and massage parlors.  When driving down a street you can tell the sort of establishment by the dress of the hostesses standing out front. Without seeing the business’s sign you know you are before a restaurant, KTV, or massage parlor. For fans of prepared foods, karaoke, or muscle kneading, it’s a win-win.

Mrs. Stevo has a few qipaos in her wardrobe. She can’t wear them at present – the watermelon-sized Stevo-to-be residing in her belly has seen to that. There are’t maternity versions of the classic Chinese dress.

I can’t think of traditional Canadian attire, but Canada is very young country with a heritage of combined cultures. A stereotypical outfit comes to mind, but that’s not “traditional”.  What about you? What is your country’s tradition attire? Does anyone wear it?

I once had a wonderful neck tie: yellow silk, covered in Chinese dragons. It was a Christmas gift from a Chinese colleague. Any gift you receive in China, a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, is special. I loved said tie, both its attractiveness and the sentiment behind it.  When I had a suit tailored last year I was convinced the suit would look “killer” when worn with the yellow dragon tie.

On the first afternoon of my school’s Parents’ Days I donned my new charcoal-gray suit. I looked good – It had been $125 USD well spent. A hanger in the wardrobe held my small collection of seldom worn neck ties. I searched the mythical silk  covered in yellow dragons. It was nowhere to be found.

I started to panic. Where could it be? The laundry hamper? Nay. Under the bed? Nay? In the pocket of my overcoat? Nay.

It was gone: Almost as if I had made the dragons angry and they had fled back to dragon mountain to pout. In the dim recesses of my mind I had a recollection of wearing the tie during a drunken trip to a seedy bar. As I imagined the bartender of the establishment wearing my purloined garment and I shook my head with disgust. My own stupidity had been the cause of the loss. No good comes from drinking.

I wore a different tie during the Parents’ Days.  I didn’t look nearly as sharp or as spiffy as I would have with yellow, dragons-emblazoned silk hanging down the front of my shirt.

Fast forward: Two days ago.

I took my wrinkled and seldom-worn suit to the dry cleaners. A trip to Beijing required some smart duds. As the shop owner wrote up the chit I scanned the racks of clothes. On a hanger, near the front of the store, was a collection of truly ugly ties, save one. The dragons, my yellow dragons, winked at me from the silk.

My mouth agape, I looked at the wonderful garment. How did it get here? Had I misremember my drunken loss of the tie? I cleared my throat, ready to claim my prize, but stopped. My knowledge of Mandarin would allow me to voice my claim but explain little else. I needed someone smarter, someone that spoke both English and Chinese. I retired that night with dreams of dragons and silky yellow clouds.

The next afternoon as I walked to work I spotted said needed smart person: A colleague returning to campus after lunch. She accompanied me to the dry cleaners. After a half-assed explanation about why the shop had my tie it was folded neatly and placed in my bag.

When I hit Beijing on Thursday, my body covered in handsome, tailored garments, the lost tie will be the jewel in my fashion crown. Serendipity? Perhaps. Dumb luck? More likely. I have resolved to no longer drink while wearing said tie.

Here endeth the case.

It’s awkward finding yourself less-than-properly-attired. Such is my life, occasionally.

Those that know me from my former orange-boxed existence know that I loath trousers and everything trouser-related. Yes, I hate pants. More to the point, I hate wearing pants. Societal and cultural norms are the only things that keep my lower 40 covered in public. Shirts? I don’t mind, and even like wearing; if the garments are mind-numbingly ugly (on a recent shopping excursion a coworker remarked, “You’re serious about buying that? It’s the color of mustard and puke.”)

I had nothing important to do on a random day before the silly season started: Routine office work, running around, and last minute holiday preparations. I attired myself in aged jeans, a green Ireland ‘World Cup of Rugby’ jersey, hiking boots, and a navy blue school baseball cap. Forcing myself to shave was the only condition I placed on this otherwise casual ensemble. (I don’t know much about Rugby Coaching, don’t let the shirt fool ya.)

The Vice Principal summoned me to a meeting. I should have known better than to dress like a class-bound college student. His office is bigger than my apartment. I envy the leather sofa I sit upon while in his presence. My attire didn’t raise any eyebrows, but I felt less than professional.

I retreated to the safety my own office, and returned the passports of my colleagues that I had collected the previous day for a police inspection. After said teachers went to class a panicked phone call made its way to me. The police were at the school, could I get the passports back and bring them to the administration building? Right NOW?

It happens once a term, near the end. The local authorities conduct inspections, of passports, visa, credentials, etc. While it is routine, that doesn’t make it any easier. Contact with legal folk does little to make me a happy, shiny person.

I like the police. My father was a cop and I’ve spent a lot of time with men and women I consider salt-of-the-earth-type individuals. At one time, I considered law enforcement as a career, following in the footsteps of my old man. It’s a quantum leap from that to teaching English in China. I don’t think about the process of getting from A to B; metaphysics make my head hurt.

Yes, I like cops (for reasons other than women in uniform are dead sexy), but they scare the bejebubs out of me. Being pulled over for speeding would result in a nearly-weeping Stevo being über-polite. I dread going to Hong Kong, immigration cops on both sides of the border fill me with unparalleled apprehension. In Canada I never did anything that would warrant a jail term and I feared contact with “The Man.” In China, here only by the grace of a sticker in my passport and knowing I could be deported should someone wish, contact with police leads to unbridled anxiety.

With this panic filling my entire being I trotted across campus to meet said officers, the recollected passports of my colleagues in my sweaty hand. Yes, dressed in ragged jeans and a baseball cap. The police drank tea and ignored me. I shifted from foot to foot, much like one of my Grade 1 students needing to pee.

Then they were gone. I had a tension headache building under the baseball cap, and a gnawing empty feeling in my gut. I had not put my best foot forward; said foot was covered in a boot that had seen many miles of road, attached to a leg clad in jeans that had experienced the same.

Perception is everything. Being seen as too casual, especially by those I can’t speak to, who have nothing to go on but my appearance, is a difficult situation (is between a tailor and a coat hanger akin to a rock and a hard place?). Have I learned a lesson? Probably not, I’m not all that bright. Damn Murphy and his law.

I may put forward a school uniform proposal so this doesn’t happen again.