Pointless disclaimer: The following post critiques statements made by the Roman Catholic Church. My opinions, while honest, may not be appreciated by some. If you don’t wish read bad things about the Pope and the RC Church, please press the ALT and F4 keys now.

Following the Vatican’s 10 Commandments of Safe Driving comes another great revelation: We are the only true church. Pope Benedict XVI released documents this week reasserting this belief, much to the chagrin of protestant churches. This position has been debated between Christian sects, and between whole belief structures, for as long as humankind has shaken sticks at the sky to appease a greater being. Thanks Benny, for furthering religious tolerance and understanding.

Pope Benedict XVI reasserted the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church, approving a document released Tuesday that says other Christian communities are either defective or not true churches and Catholicism provides the only true path to salvation.The statement brought swift criticism from Protestant leaders. “It makes us question whether we are indeed praying together for Christian unity,” said the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, a fellowship of 75 million Protestants in more than 100 countries.
By NICOLE WINFIELD, Associated Press Writer see article

The One True Church?!

I won’t go into the pomposity of this statement. Perhaps they should add further verbiage after this little gem. The one true church of sexual abuse and molestation? Maybe, the one true church of backward beliefs? Or, the one true church of give us all your money for the greater glory of God, (so we can build really big churches and commission artists to create jewel-encrusted bibles.)

This is what happens when you make an old man the spokesperson for a religion. Dave Thomas was a great spokesman for Wendy’s Restaurants. He was grandfatherly and down-to-earth. Benedict, in his big hat, doesn’t come off as kindly as Mr. Thomas. Some would argue that Benny is downright scary, taking the world’s Roman Catholic into some bizarre time-warp.

Maybe there’s something in the water in Vatican City. Do they still use those old Roman lead pipes? Maybe, as they continue to think that a 2000 year old book, embellished and changed over the centuries, should be adhered to without rational thought. Is it delusions of grandeur to think you are the One True Church? Perhaps. I think we all know that The One is Neo from the Matrix movies. There is no need to discuss it, it’s fact.

Why not elect a young, hip pope? Is it written in some dusty tome that the pontiff has to be an aged, European man? What about a Latino? Since the one true church participated in the wholesale destruction and cultural genocide of Latin America, there are plenty of good Catholics available. Even better, a Canadian pope. He would make no decisions, being too afraid to cause anger, be extremely polite, and open a Tim Horton’s in Vatican City for the tourists.

Muslim, Judaism. Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Scientology: There are too many vying for that all-important One True Church moniker. They are all wrong. There is only one path to be followed and it is lined with meatballs. My deity is the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

From the FSM website:

… Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Read the letter in its entirety.

This Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster makes more sense to me than any of the others. And, it has pirates. Who doesn’t love those eye-patched adorned, swashbuckling scamps? The fact that religions can still squabble over being the one true church makes me sigh at the utter lack of progress in this world. Benny and his “our way or the highway” message causes me to both laugh and cry. So much could be done with cooperation, but never will as big hats fight over pointless words.

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